Vegeta's Christmas Carol
by Orchideater
Summary: Humor Yaoi, Gk x V COMPLETE A DBZ parody of A Christmas Carol! Vegeta gets a visit from a gang of spirits who show him what, or more appropriately, who he really wants for Christmas.
1. The Holiday Party

Additional A/N: This is a repost of my 2004 Xmas fic, with some minor errors fixed. Enjoy!

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Vegeta's Christmas Carol

by Orchideater

Rated: R

Warnings: Humor yaoi, Gk/V, Christmas cheer, grinchiness, OOCness, nudity, innuendo, a bit of Vegeta torture (the fun kind, not the bdsm kind), and bizarre underwear.

A/N: Oh why, god, no! Why am I doing a Christmas fic when I have other fics I need to get back to work on! Ahhhhh... hell, I just had to do it. This won't be one of my best because I didn't have much time to get it done (and I am a slow writer), but hopefully it will be worth a laugh and add some enjoyment to your holiday season. Cheers! -hic-

Chapter 1 warnings: just some drunkenness and a bit of language.

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Chapter 1: The Holiday Party

A timely snow fell upon West City, blanketing the metropolis with a thick layer of white and instilling a sense of quiet reverence to the crisp night. The stores had closed, and the continuous hive-like bustle in the streets that had lasted for weeks finally ended. People had gone home or traveled away to be with the ones they loved.

Such was the influence of the new holiday called Christmas, an important tradition in the western lands that had been swiftly gaining in popularity around the globe. The conventions and trappings of the holiday appealed greatly to the people of West City, as well as the more high-minded message of generosity and appreciation of friends and family.

Unfortunately, as sure as every party has a pooper, hand in hand with the cheerful giving of gifts and the tales of sleighs and reindeer came another tradition, that of the grinch or scrooge. This special brand of naysayer was known as a pessimistic person who scoffs at the Christmas celebrations of others because of unhappiness in his own heart.

Despite the stress, hectic pace, and growing cynicism that exhausted people during the season, the Christmas time could also be known as a time of great miracles and joy, if one only knew where to look. In fact, on that fateful Christmas eve, even the ultimate saiyan scrooge found the way to change his life and find peace with the one he loved most– with a little help from above.

Bulma had taken to the new holiday en force, decorating Capsule Corp. with the passion of the inspired and baking up a storm (that is, heating up slice-off cookies in the oven and instructing the caterers how to provide the rest).

The entire gang had been invited for a Christmas eve bash, from the Sons to the Briefs to the residents of Kame House. Trunks and Goten had even been instructed to hunt down Tien and Chaoutzu and drag them back for the celebration, whether they liked it or not.

Bulma was thrilled with the resulting get-together, where friends could catch up and reacquaint and fond memories could be relived. The garden atrium had been laid out with dozens of tables piled high with more food than even six saiyans and Buu could eat. The guests ate at their leisure from the buffet, mingling and chatting. Wine and sake flowed freely.

In this party, though, as in every party, the saiyan prince isolated himself from the others and ate his meal alone. He participated only when forced to by the children, who had recently pushed him to come look at Bulma's old photo albums with the rest, and then dragged him to the tree to open gifts.

Bulma had bought presents extravagantly for everyone, assuring them that return gifts were not needed since the holiday was relatively new to them and some guests such as Tien had little to no money. In return for her generosity the guests had to deal with Bulma's strange sense of humor about gifts, which only grew stranger with each passing year.

Not only was Vegeta mortified to hear he'd have to open a gift from Bulma in front of everyone, the gift itself was worse: a pink dress shirt and red tie.

"It's this year's 'in' color. Pink's for men now, too– it's not like before with your old Badman shirt. You look good in pink, Vegeta!" she yelled at him between drunken giggles as he got up and stalked away into the kitchen without a word.

Stupid woman and her questionable fashion sense! he fumed, finally giving in and pouring himself a small glass of sake.

He did NOT want to get drunk. Drunkenness made a person do stupid things, let secrets slip, and was a guilty pleasure he could never indulge in– especially around _him_.

Kakarotto.

Vegeta felt his cheeks flush just at the thought of the man– another reason why he had to stay away from the group. He had greeted Son Goku with a silent head nod from across the atrium, and did his best to avoid him the rest of the time. He stole glances whenever he could, though, and then only when he knew no one could see him watching.

Kakarot wore a new formal dress suit that evening, black with a white shirt and burgundy tie, conservative but classy. The lines of the three-piece hugged and flattered his large form excellently, providing a much more attractive look than his old, ill-fitting tweed hand-me-down.

Vegeta was dying to stare, and at the same time furious at himself for such weakness. Now he wished that he'd worn the tailored suit that Bulma had laid out for him. He'd spurned it and worn his usual navy training gear with white gloves and boots just to spite her, since he was severely annoyed at the amount of time and energy she was pouring into this party.

Christmas cheer. Tch. Presents and fellowship. Bah! When had he ever gotten what he really wanted?

He wanted immortality and the death of Frieza on his hands, and both eluded him.

He wanted to kill Cell and Buu– nothing but bitter failure.

He wanted to be the most powerful in the universe, but now several warriors exceeded him by far.

He'd resigned himself to these losses by now, accepted them, made peace with them, and moved on. All of these past aspirations he dismissed as foolish indulgences. Then one day he realized that all his heart truly wanted more than anything in the world was Kakarot– only Kakarot. Perhaps that was what he'd wanted all along, but couldn't admit.

Tragically, as soon as his true goal became clear he cast it aside. He could never have Kakarot. Kakarot had a family. He had a family. It was best to keep things the way they were, to admire him from afar. At least this way he could still keep his dreams intact, and his fantasies of what might be. They were all he would ever have. However, most of the time he even denied the fantasies, as he tried to convince himself that he had no feelings for Kakarot.

Vegeta wandered back to the living room and leaned against the doorframe, crushing the ropes of holly that adorned it, and watched them. He'd arrived back just in time to see Goku opening a thin rectangular box, his gift from Bulma.

He enthusiastically tore off the paper and lifted the lid, then frowned in confusion. A wad of colorful material... some sort of Christmas craft?

He turned it over in his hands. "What is this, Bulma?"

Bulma choked and quivered, barely restraining her laughter.

Yamcha, who'd been peering over Goku's shoulder from the other side of the couch, suddenly snatched the item out of his hands and held it high above his head for all to see. "Oh-ho-ho, my god– Goku, you will be _stylin_' in these! Chichi won't be able to keep her hands off you."

Almost everyone began snickering madly. Now that Goku could see the proper shape the material was supposed to take, he realized what they were.

"Bulma! Those aren't– those're–"

Bulma had given him a pair of men's Christmas novelty underwear.

Vegeta gawked for a moment, then clapped a hand over his face and shook his head. Good lord, woman...

Bulma was laughing so hard she fell off her chair. Tears streamed down her face. "Oh, oh, Goku. Oh your face!"

Goku quickly turned crimson and folded his arms in a sulk. "I am NOT wearing those."

Likewise, Gohan was paralyzed in embarrassment that such a fiasco had to happen in front of his girlfriend.

"What's the meaning of this Bulma?" Chichi demanded, her face almost as red as Goku's. "How dare you give my husband men's lingerie!"

Bulma gasped for breath. "It's just a joke, Chichi. A gag gift! Don't be so serious. Besides, you know you're going to make him wear those as soon as you guys get home."

"I most certainly will not! And I hope you kept the receipt."

Bulma, still laughing, poured her another large glass of wine to mellow her out.

Goku retrieved the underwear and stuffed them into his jacket pocket, since Trunks and Goten had begun clamoring to see what all the fuss was about. Bulma sent them to the den to watch cartoons since they'd opened their gifts already. They rushed past Vegeta, each grabbing a hand and dragging him along with them.

"Come on, Dad, watch the Wacky Toons Christmas marathon with us!"

Vegeta grunted and scowled but went along– he had nothing better to do besides eat, after all, and he needed a good distraction from Kakarot before he started envisioning him in those awful bikini briefs.

The boys flopped on the couch, each proudly nursing their glasses of pink water. Earlier Bulma gave them water with a dash of wine dropped in so they wouldn't feel left out.

"Now, see Dad, this is Bebe the Skunk. He's one of my favorites," Trunks enlightened him. "He's always chasing after this cat, and he scares everybody away because he smells so bad! It's really funny."

Ugh, the mini-brats always chose such stimulating entertainment.

"Ohh, this episode's a good one, watch this Mister Vegeta, watch, watch!" Goten chimed in.

Vegeta subjected himself to 45 minutes of animated skunks, rabbits, and lisping hunters before he got up to check on the adult wing of the party again.

He scanned the area. Bulma had calmed Chichi down and they now laughed like sorority sisters over a private joke. Where the hell was Kakarot? He had to know his location so he could avoid him properly.

Preoccupied with his search, he noticed too late the presence behind him. He startled as a large warm arm descended around his shoulders.

"Hey, Vegeta."

Vegeta swung his head round to stare up in shock at his erstwhile rival and friend.

Ahh, he's touching me. He is _touching _me!

All the evening's efforts at avoidance went down the drain.

Goku's face and neck were flushed from the alcohol, his cheeks rosy as he grinned amiably down on Vegeta. He'd taken off his jacket and tie, rolled up his sleeves and unbuttoned the top three buttons on his dress shirt. Vegeta zeroed in immediately on the exposed flesh.

"Geta, where you been? All you been doin' all night is holding up the walls. Come party with us– have a drink! Loosen up some."

Vegeta tore his gaze away and scoffed. "A prince does not 'loosen up' or humiliate himself with the effects of inebriation. I have had one glass of sake and that's all I need. And I can't believe you of all people are drunk, Kakarot!" Let go of me, let go of me, let go of me...

"Aww, c'mon, Geta! I only do this once or twice a year. It's Christmas!" he slurred happily.

"Bah."

Goku laughed, and to Vegeta's chagrin, pulled him closer and gave him a friendly shake. He then stopped and peered down at him with great interest. Vegeta glanced nervously at him out of the corner of his eye.

"Ohh, sorry Vegeta." He grasped Vegeta's face with one hand and turned him to face him. "You have had some! Your face is all red."

Vegeta countered with a harsh punch to his shoulder. "Get off me, you drunken oaf!"

Goku wobbled and fell down. "Oww. Geez, Geta, you don't have to be like that," he whined. The rest of the group hooted and broke into applause. Goku and Vegeta were at it again– always a good source of entertainment.

"Baka! Leave me alone and go back to your party. You're a disgrace, getting drunk like that. A warrior should be ready and aware at all times."

"Fine, fine, I get th' message," Goku mumbled, hurt and anger lacing his voice as he clambered to his feet. Once he noticed the others laughing, though, he grinned and hammed it up.

"You can tell that fool woman of mine I've gone to bed early. I've had enough of this party."

Vegeta spun on his heel and strode away. Goddammit, that was exactly what he'd been trying to avoid. Kakarot had seen him blush– inexcusable!– and now Vegeta had pushed him away again, giving him all the more reason to dislike the company of the surly prince.

Just as well, Vegeta tried to convince himself. It's better this way. Pursuing him would only ruin everything. A-And I don't even want him in the first place!

He stormed into his room, locking the door behind him, and fell into bed trying to forget what had just happened. Too much sake, too many unusual foods, too much emotional stress.

Maybe someday it wouldn't hurt to try for Kakarot, he thought just before drifting off. Bulma wouldn't have to know, and if it didn't work out, at least he would still have her. Or maybe he could see Kakarot secretly, and keep up a front with Bulma for the kids' sakes...

Bah. Foolishness, all of it.

An uncomfortable sleep claimed the solitary prince, as images and sounds of the holiday night swirled through his mind.


	2. Gold Chains of the Damned

Vegeta's Christmas Carol

by Orchideater

Rated: R

Warnings: Humor yaoi, Gk/V, Christmas cheer, grinchiness, OOCness, nudity, innuendo, a bit of Vegeta torture (the fun kind, not the bdsm kind), and bizarre underwear.

Disclaimer: (Sorry lawyers, I forgot the disclaimer on Chpt 1) DBZ and all DBZ characters property of Akira Toriyama and official licensees.

Chpt 2 warnings: language and bad fashion

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Chapter 2: Gold Chains of the Damned

Vegeta had no idea how long he slept. When he woke the room was dark, and the house still. Apparently the party had ended and everyone went home. Only the howl of the wind rattling the windows broke the silence, along with the shifting creak of the house and the rustle of branches.

As Vegeta lay awake underneath the covers he gazed out at the darkness, trying to unearth the secrets of the shadows, unnerved at how they seemed to dance when he stared too long without blinking. A deep sense of foreboding settled over him, increasing by the moment.

He jumped as a powerful rush of wind blew open the window. An arctic blast of air and flurry of snow gusted into the room.

Dammit.

He leapt up and shut the window, then dove back under the covers to warm up.

The silence pressed heavily on him, and he could hear the pounding of his heart. Something was coming, he could feel it.

There. In the distance, the clank of chains, slowly drawing ever closer. The clinking, clanking of many chains grew louder, and soon the sound of footsteps accompanied them.

"Vegeta Oujisamaaaa..." called a faraway voice.

Vegeta sat frozen in place, unable to believe his ears. What was going on? Who could be calling him like that? Strange, that voice sounded eerily familiar.

The footsteps stopped right outside his door. Seconds later a faint bluish-white mist passed through the door, and drifted toward him.

Sweat rolled down the prince's face. A... A ghost? But they didn't exist! Right? Someone had to be playing a trick on him.

As the mist drew closer to his bed it began to coalesce and take form. The figure of a man took shape from the smoke, covered in golden chains: some heavy, some thin, some with huge ostentatious medallions. Expensive yet tacky snakeskin boots clopped on the floor. His clothes became distinguishable, as did an extremely garish, bizarre suit. Lastly, his face could be discerned... a scarred face.

Vegeta fell over. "_You_?!"

"VEGEEETA OUJISAMAAAAA!" the ghost boomed, rattling his chains in Vegeta's face. "I have come to warn you of grave peril!"

"Bah. I'm embarrassed to think I was actually worried for a minute. Get out of my room, fool! What the hell is the matter with you? And how did you do that trick just now?"

"None of your business, and I ain't goin' nowhere till I give you my warning."

Vegeta twitched in anger. "Get out, asshole!" He swung a punch at the ghost, but it only broke apart into mist again and immediately reformed.

Yamcha pulled down his lower eyelid and stuck his tongue out. "Nyaah! You can't hurt a ghost. Or more specifically, a mental construct."

"A mental what? Look, just tell me whatever the hell you want to tell me and get lost."

"I think I will." The ghost cleared his throat. "VEGEETA OUJISAMAAAA!! Dooo not cheat on your wife or you will be forced to wear the chains of the player for all time! Observe my dread fate!" He jangled the profusion of flashy gold chains, medallions swinging to and fro.

"Wh-What are you talking about?" Vegeta stuttered uncomfortably. "I've been thinking no such thing, and besides she's not even my wife. We've never married."

"Lies! The very reason I was called here was by your illicit thoughts of Son Goku, and by the notion you had of seeing him behind Bulma's back."

"I wasn't even serious about that–"

"You've got two kids with her, and though you never took vows she's as good as your wife. You've lived with her for so long you're considered married in the eyes of the law and the eyes of society. That's called a common law marriage."

"Common law? I didn't know about this!"

"No matter how dead the relationship is, you gotta make a clean break with her before you pursue Goku."

"I'm not pursuing him!"

"Behold my grim shackles, mortal!" The chains flailed about. "All it took was one line from a character giving third hand information about the fidelity of a Yamcha from a different timeline, and I was fettered with these gahddammed chains for the rest of my existence, doomed to be villanized by a hundred-thousand crazy fangirls."

The ghost began to pace the floor, muttering angrily to himself. "'Player' my ass. _Who_ was it who drooled over every cute guy she came across when we were kids, and constantly jumped down my throat for stuff that wasn't my fault? She was my first girlfriend ever– how many people make it work with the first girl they ever date? Bunch of bullshit... it's a conspiracy, I tell ya..." Mutter, gripe, complain.

"Umm... And your point was what again?"

"Oh, right. Sorry, man, I zoned out there for a second. HEEED my words, Vegeta Oujisama! You must make a clean break with Bulma before you hook up with Goku-san. The dignity of all involved will be maintained and the transition will be much easier."

"I don't even _want_ that brain-damaged fool! Why, the very thought of it is laughable."

"Hah! I figured as much. You're still in serious denial. Fortunately, the job of tearing down that wall of pride falls on stronger shoulders than mine. Listen well, Vegeta. Tonight you will be visited by three spirits. I am only the preface– they are the message. Take their words to heart, open your mind, and by morning you'll be falling into your precious Kakarot's arms."

"Doubtful, you presumptous moron!"

"The first will arrive as the clock chimes one, the next at the second morning hour, the third at three."

"Convenient."

"They will lead you down the right and worthy path. Now, you're going to do as I asked, correct?"

"NO, because I'm never pursuing Kakarot."

Yamcha ignored him, hooking him with one of his chains and yanking him forward into a one-armed buddy-hug. "But just in case you change your mind–"

"I won't change it. I have an iron will."

"But juuust in the flukechance that you do ask him–"

"It's not going to happen!" Vegeta squirmed to escape but Yamcha continued trapping him with more and more chains.

"Say, just for the sake of argument, that you got a crazy notion out of the blue and you did decide to ask him. You would break up with Bulma first, right? You must do so, or your chains will be heavier than mine!"

"Alright, alright! If fate delivers me some bizarre twist where I do ask Kakarot if he wants to have a relationship, I will end it with the woman first. Happy? Now shut up and get lost, you poltergeist pimp!"

The ghost yanked the chains free and Vegeta spun and flew up into the air, landing with an unceremonious whump onto the bed, looking ready to kill.

"Hot damn! My job is done here." Yamcha slapped a matching hat with a ridiculously oversized feather plume on his head, and let out a shrill whistle between his fingers. A ghostly aircar full of busty, giggling bimbos drove through the wall and came to a screeching halt before him.

Yamcha turned back to the stunned Vegeta and gave him a wink. "Hey, when life gives you lemons, you make lemonade, you know? If they're going to call me a player, I might as well roll with it."

He leaped into the backseat between two of the girls and they attached themselves to each side of him. "I gots to git these hos downtown. Later, dog!"

He saluted, and the aircar peeled off through the window and flew out into the sky.

---

Vegeta sat bolt upright in his bed with a gasp. What the hell was_ that_? He paused, and heard the music and voices of the party still going on downstairs. It had been nothing but a dream.

That's the last time I eat oyster casserole and sweet pickles together, he thought.

Vegeta heard Yamcha's laughter among the other noises filtering up through the floorboards. Of course. He'd heard the man in his sleep, and the strange foods combined to give him that twisted dream.

Break up with Bulma indeed. Tch. And the three ghosts– that's from that one Christmas book Gohan had read the boys! Yes, it all made sense, explained cleanly away. The story had influenced his subconscious.

So I have absolutely nothing to worry about, Vegeta concluded smugly as he flopped over in bed and heaved the comforter over his shoulders.

Meanwhile, the minute hand of the clock ticked ominously closer to one o'clock...

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	3. The TwoFaced Spirit

Vegeta's Christmas Carol

by Orchideater

Rated: R

Warnings: Humor yaoi, Gk/V, Christmas cheer, grinchiness, OOCness, nudity, innuendo, a bit of Vegeta torture (the fun kind, not the bdsm kind), and bizarre underwear.

Disclaimer: DBZ and all DBZ characters property of Akira Toriyama and official licensees. But the ranger and Dr. Earl N. Meyer are my original characters (though they're not very developed yet). Story inspired by Charles Dicken's _A Christmas Carol_, Mickey's Christmas Carol, and the movie _Scrooged_.

Chapter 3 warnings: het flirting (scandalous!), weird innuendo

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Chapter 3: The Two-Faced Spirit

Ding-ding-ding-diiinnnggg... Ding ding ding DING.

BONG!

Vegeta stirred under the covers, shifting back into a lighter phase of sleep. Mmm... Something about one in the morning...

A light rap on his shoulder, and a sacchrine-sweet voice addressed him. "Wakey, wakey, Vegeta sweetie! We have lots to do."

Who the fuck was bothering him now?

He cracked one eye open and scowled at what he found. A lovely blue-haired girl in a poofy, sparkly princess dress stood at his bedside, a childlike smile upon her face. A haze of fairy dust surrounded her.

"Time to get up, dear heart." She tapped him again with her star-tipped wand. "I am the ghost of Dragonball past– I-I mean, the ghost of past and present affections, heh heh. I have much to tell you."

Vegeta shot her a look of supreme indifference and then turned his back to her. "Go away."

"Ah... N-Now, honey, it's in your best interests to cooperate. Tonight is a crossroads for many lives, and the decisions _you _make will affect them all. I need you to get up now, sweetie."

"Beat it, will you?"

"Now, I know you don't mean that. Don't be difficult, dear, you won't like me when I'm angry... Don't you want to be with your Goku-san?"

"No I do not, and I said go away. This is nothing but a stupid dream. All I have to do is focus on other things and the dream will change, and you'll disappear like a good girl." She reminds me of Bulma's mother, he thought disdainfully.

"Sometimes dreams hold great wisdom, sweetie-bunches. Please, it's time to wake up and come with me." She tapped him insistently with the star wand. "Honey? Please?"

Reaching over with lightning speed, he grabbed the wand, snapped it in two, and threw the pieces in her face. "Get bent!" He then flopped back into his previous position and ignored her.

Silence reigned as the scandalized fairy shook in fury.

"Rrrrr....RrrrRRRRR! Now you've done it. Vegeta... GET up, ya lazy monkey!!!"

A swift army boot to the butt sent Vegeta flying out of bed and skidding across the floor. He glanced around wildly and saw that the culprit had somehow transformed into a blonde, leather-clad street punk. She aimed an AK47 that appeared out of nowhere, spraying ki bullets in his general direction.

"Ow-ow-ow-ow!"

"When I say get up, you get up, and when I say dance, you dance, monkey!"

Vegeta recovered his senses and snarled, springing out of the way. "That is _it_. You are one dead bitch! No one treats me this way. Haiiii!!!"

He sent a vicious ki blast barreling toward her midsection, which only traveled straight through her body and left her completely unaffected. "You can't hurt me, you dumb jerk," she sneered, "I'm a ghost."

"What the? So I can't hurt you, but you can hurt me? That's hardly fair!"

"Those are the rules, baby. Get used to it."

It dawned on Vegeta that he'd seen this woman just last night, in Bulma's old scrapbooks. He thought the blonde and the blue-haired girl were two different people! At any rate, he knew he couldn't win. Here was the most fearsome creature known to man, more dangerous than Frieza, more unpredictable than Buu: a woman with PMS.

She grabbed him by the ear and began dragging him toward the window.

"Ouch! Goddammit, you crazy bitch, let go!"

"Are you gonna come with me willingly?"

"Yes, alright!" he spat.

"Wonderful." The ghost immediately popped back to her happy sugar plum fairy form, and took his hand instead of his ear. She gave it a friendly shake.

"My name's Launch, by the way. I'm so glad you decided to cooperate. I can tell we're going to make a lot of progress tonight. We'll knock down that pesky resistance of yours."

"Oh, no we won't."

She waved a hand at him and giggled. "Oh, you're so funny! Now come along, Prince-sama." She pulled him out the window into the night sky.

Vegeta had the strange sensation of his body being stretched, pulled like taffy, and the next thing he knew he was looking at a small capsule house in the woods.

"Wh- where are we? Wait, this is Kakarot's house, isn't it?"

"Indeed." She tugged on his arm, trying to usher him inside.

"We can't just walk in there."

"The scenes I will show you tonight are only memories, the events of a day just one week ago. The people cannot see or hear us, and we can have no effect on them."

They flew in through the window, and settled in the kitchen mere feet away from Son Chichi. Vegeta stared at her nervously, but as the fairy said, she did nothing to acknowledge their presence.

Goku walked through the door then, giving her a hello and a nod. Chichi looked slightly alarmed. "Goku! It's about time you got back. Good heavens, what can be so interesting in those woods?"

"I was training, Chi, you know that."

Launch leaned over and whispered in Vegeta's ear. "He has been gone since daybreak, and neither truly missed the other. Not even a peck on the cheek, a gentle touch, or warm gaze in greeting."

"Goku, stay right there. I need you to go to the market in town as soon as possible and buy me some wasabi and other ingredients for dinner. Here's a list I made."

"Okay." Goku walked off toward the bedroom and the invisible guests followed.

"You see?" Launch pointed to their sleeping arrangement: separate beds with a small bedside table inbetween, like something out of a classic black and white TV show.

"Both in their own worlds, the intimacy gone– a shame for ones so young. They care for one another, appreciate the work of the other, but live more as roommates than as husband and wife. Only once or twice a month will Goku come and kneel at her bedside, imploring quietly, and when finished he will return to his own bed. A cold life, indeed."

"Gods, what a waste of a saiyan in his prime."

"Tragically familiar to your own situation, is it not?"

"I get more sex than that!"

"Yet you keep separate rooms, separate lives. What do you share with Bulma, besides the same house, two progeny, and the occasional roll in the sheets? Your interests are not hers."

Goku bent over (Vegeta blushed at the sight of that ass in the air) and rifled through the dresser drawers until he found his wallet. Launch pointed, instructing Vegeta to peer over his shoulder.

The front photograph in the picture section was a family portrait of the three Sons and Chichi. Goku checked for the needed zenni and then paused, turning the picture over. On the other side sat a photo of Vegeta, the best he could find since the prince did everything in his power to avoid cameras.

For a long moment he gazed at the photo, rubbing the corner with his thumb, his expression unreadable. He then clapped the wallet shut and instant transmissioned away.

Vegeta was frozen. "Th-That's... That was my picture. He keeps a picture of me. He _looked _at it like– like– no, it can't be!"

"Goku has strong feelings for you, Vegeta-sama, but doesn't understand them, or know how to act on them. It's never occurred to him that he even _could_ change his life. He thinks this is just how relationships work."

"But Chichi– why does she stay? For Goten?"

"Yes. Unfortunately, a loveless, lifeless marriage is also a poor example to a child. He is resiliant, and would adapt quickly to a separation. At the start Goku and Chichi did share a gentle love, but once Gohan was born Chichi found that she enjoyed the rigors of motherhood far more than keeping up a relationship with a man profoundly different from her. Added to that, Chichi is a very traditional woman, and views divorce as failure.

"However," the fairy said with a knowing smile, "she still fantasizes. Watch."

Chichi's face lit up as she heard the noise of a vehicle coming up the dirt path. Perfect timing. She hurriedly dried the dishwater from her hands, pulled her bun loose and straightened her clothes, and put on some lipstick from a tube hidden in her pocket.

Seconds later a rugged man in a forest ranger's uniform pulled up in front of their house on a 4x4. Chichi waved at him from the window.

"Why, hello, Ms. Chichi! How are things in your neck of the 439 East mountain range?"

"Oh, fine, fine, thanks for asking. I was expecting you. You're always so punctual, always here at Wednesday at 4 on the dot."

"Yeah, that's me, Mr. Predictable. You must think I'm awfully boring."

"Oh no, no! I admire that greatly in a man. What did you say your daily schedule was, again?"

The man chuckled, stepping off the machine. "I enjoy having a rigid routine, it grounds me. I get up every day at 5:30 am exactly, have my usual breakfast of oatmeal, eggs, bacon and OJ, and get to work by 7:30 to do my rounds. Lunch is at 12, I get off work at 6, go to bed at 10, and cash the usual paycheck every other Friday. Same thing day in and day out. "

Chichi clasped her hands and looked dreamy. "That sounds _wonderful_."

"Ma'am, I know I've said so before, and please forgive my forwardness, but for a mother of two boys– and a 19-year-old at that– you still look fantastic."

"Ohh, you're such a flatterer, stop it!" She blushed like a schoolgirl.

"And you've done such a fine job of raising them. My mother always taught me that a good education was _the _most important thing in a child's life. The harder and longer a kid studies, the better off they are, I always say."

"Oh, it wasn't always easy, they can be such delinquents sometimes, hee hee! Always wanting to run off and play and spend time outside, just like their father. Fortunately I've squashed most of that out of Gohan, but I'm still working on Goten."

"Hmm. You know your husband's always gone when I come by."

"Oh, I've no idea why that could be..." It was no coincidence that Goku always had to go get groceries at 4 pm on Wednesdays.

"What's he like? What's he do for a living?"

"He's a 6' 2" world champion martial artist."

"Oh," he sweatdropped, bravado deflating instantly.

"B-But forget about that. Won't you come inside for tea?"

Vegeta watched the entire exchange in a mix of nausea and horrified disbelief, eyes bugging. "I can't believe it. The shrew is cheating on Kakarot. _Her _of all people! How– how... How dare she cuckold my subject!"

Launch cracked him on the head with a new magic wand. "Don't get excited, dear. She's not cheating on Goku, she's only flirting, and chatting with someone she feels a positive connection to. She'd never break her marriage vows, but the teasing and the compliments from him make her feel young again. They would make an excellent pair, though, and neither realizes how much of their heart they've already given away."

Vegeta watched the pair holding a lively conversation at the table. They did seem to be perfectly matched: two conservative people who enjoyed predictable, stable, and some might say boring lives.

He shook his head sadly. "Poor Kakarotto. He always was a naive fool. I bet he has no idea his woman has feelings for another man."

Launch sneered, morphing back into her "scary" form. "Heh. 'Fool,' indeed. The pot shouldn't say such things about the kettle, princey."

The world swirled around them, and when his vision cleared, Vegeta realized they were now standing in the main work lab at the research and development wing of Capsule Corp. Labs. The only people there were Bulma and a young sandy-haired scientist, both working on projects at opposite ends of the room.

"Wait a minute... This better not be what I think it's going to be. Bulma worships the ground I walk on!"

"Shaddap and watch."

The two worked in silence a few minutes longer, though Vegeta noticed them taking secretive glances at each other when one wasn't looking. Finally Bulma stood up, her metal workstool grating noisily on the floor. She made a great show of stretching, throwing her arms wide and arcing her back so her breasts thrust out. The dress she wore seemed suspiciously low cut and high-hemmed for labwork.

The man watched her discreetly, pretending to focus on his work. She sighed happily, put her hands in her lab coat pockets, and strolled leisurely over to him, heels clacking on the floor.

"So, what are you working so hard on, Dr. Meyer?"

"Nothing that couldn't be improved with some help from a beautiful genius."

Bulma quirked a haughty smile. "Doctor, are you asking me to give you a chemistry lesson? Here I thought you were already an expert."

"I've found there's always more to learn," he said, pushing back from the table to give her his full attention.

She nodded toward a bubbling solution to his far right, which sat over the open flame of a bunsen burner. "You realize you left the burner on?"

Dr. Meyer looked over at it, pushed his protective eyewear up onto the top of his head, and locked eyes with her again. "Yes, I should take care of that. The flame is burning quite hot... and out of control. It could cause an explosive reaction."

"That depends on what you put into the formula. I certainly hope you can _control_ any resulting explosions."

"I always do. What are you working on?"

"Just a few equations. Today I'm experimenting with the rules of reactivity and the levels of attraction."

"That's always been one of my favorite subjects," he said, smirking. "Today, though, I'm seeking a strong organic reaction. I'm sure you're familiar with how electrons can jump up an energy level when they become _excited_."

"Oh, yes, yes," she breathed.

"That's an important factor. Besides that, the result I'm trying to achieve relates to how the mixing of two fluids can create a positive charge."

"That's an experiment with tremendous potential."

"If you like that then you'll love my other experiment." Using tongs, he removed a bit of metal from the clamp that held it over a separate flame.

"Due to the intense heat, this steel rod of mine has been undergoing a hardening process."

"Oh, Dr. Meyer!"

Vegeta's eyelid twitched uncontrollably until he finally exploded. "What the HELL?! How dare that woman exchange chemistry-themed innuendo with that lab jockey! I'll hunt him down and wring his neck, and then I– I'll– I'll blow up her lab! I'll–"

Launch smashed him over the head with an oversized mallet. "Knock it off! You've got no room to talk considering how you're just dying to get into another man's pants. Don't be such a hypocrite. Like Chichi, Bulma is only flirting."

"And now I suppose you're going to tell me she'd be much happier with this guy than with me? What could she possibly see in him when she's got me? He's a science geek! That's like ordering a hot dog when you've got filet mignon on the table."

The blonde ghost snorted. "They share ambition, a love of science and technology, and a single-minded drive to create and invent. She can _talk _to him, Oujisama, and he actually finds what she says interesting and wants to hear more. Bulma cares for you, but she's growing older, and is tiring of your tempestuous relationship, of your moodiness and stony silence. She needs more. She wants someone she can share with, needs more than just a male presence in her house and a good fuck."

Vegeta scowled and fumed, but finally let out a weary sigh as he watched a red-faced Bulma hurry back to her own workstation. "I suppose you could be right. When she starts in on that Capsule Corp. talk and expects me to listen, I feel like killing myself just to escape. And I don't talk to her because so many of my private thoughts I just... _can't _tell her. She couldn't understand, because she's human."

"But you could open up to Goku-san, neee?"

"I-I didn't say that!" he spluttered.

"Vegeta, now is the time to push aside your fears and doubts and tell Goku how you feel. Now is the crossroads! Four lives can be changed and improved for the better. Four lives can experience true love– but _you _must be the one to take the initiative and dare to change things. You are the catalyst. Tell Bulma it's over, and tell Goku you want him."

"But I can't! These Earth kids are so damn sensitive; if I leave Bulma, Trunks will get pissed off at me and hate me."

"He gets pissed off at you now, but he still loves you. Bulma's understanding, and you'll be able to see them about as much as you do now. Kids are adaptable. If there's no anger or hate between you and Bulma, he'll be fine."

"But where will I live? I don't know how to hold a human job and earn money like they do."

"It'll work out. Stop making excuses!"

Vegeta faltered, considering it for a moment, then crossed his arms and turned away with a scowl. "Faugh! All this is a ridiculous waste of time. Why the hell should I believe a schizophrenic fairy, anyway?"

"I am _not _schizophrenic! I have multiple personalities. It's different."

"Who cares? Go back to your wacko, fairy-biker chick land. I'll have nothing more to do with you. Nothing you can say will change the fact that _I don't want Kakarotto_!"

"Grrr, you always were a stubborn, nasty piece of work. Have it your way. I don't have to worry, because you won't stand a chance against the next ghost. So long, sucker!"

Before he could argue, an even more enormous mallet came crashing down on his head, and his world turned to darkness.

--

A/N Launch was my favorite female character in DBZ. I always liked the idea of the female Jekyll and Hyde (I feel like that sometimes). And they just sort of... forgot about her! T.T So I wanted to give her some screen time, heh.


	4. The Merry Glutton

Vegeta's Christmas Carol

by Orchideater

Rated: R

Warnings: Humor yaoi, Gk/V, Christmas cheer, grinchiness, OOCness, nudity, innuendo, a bit of Vegeta torture (the fun kind, not the bdsm kind), and bizarre underwear.

Disclaimer: DBZ and all DBZ characters property of Akira Toriyama and official licensees

Chapter 4 warnings: nude bathing scene!

--

Chapter 4: The Merry Glutton

Vegeta slowly returned to consciousness, while somewhere far in the distance an unseen clock struck two.

He opened his eyes, and as the surroundings came into focus he realized that he was in a great banquet hall, full of rich woods and ornate carvings. Tiers of tables piled high with every conceivable food formed great mountains of culinary delights.

To the left of him sat succulent turkeys and hams, dripping with flavorful juices, tart apple and cranberry dishes, creamy vegetable casseroles, and flaky pies with the kind of perfect crust that melts on the tongue. To his right awaited piles of rice balls and bowls of hot noodles, trays of perfectly prepared sushi, steaming soups and mushrooms and seafood, skewers of chicken dipped in yakitori sauce. Shining goblets of fine wine, rum, and sake were interspersed freely among the dishes.

Wow. Now _this _was his kind of dream.

Heedless of the fact that it had just eaten a big meal, Vegeta's saiyan stomach let out a noisome growl. He punched it in annoyance, but continued to stare in wonder at the almost magically appealing foods. As he took the first step toward one of the tables, planning to sample some of the treats, a thunderous voice called out to him.

"Good tidings, Vegeta, good tidings! Wondering if you could eat some of these tasty dishes, eh?"

Vegeta jumped and saw a great giant, almost as tall as the room itself, leaning against a wall that had been empty only moments ago. He was decidedly thick in body, with a stout, bulging belly, a mane of shaggy hair, and beady black eyes that glimmered drunkenly out from his pudgy, red-cheeked face. He gave a sloopy grin and raised his golden goblet in welcome, sloshing wine over the side. Vegeta had to hop backward to avoid getting drenched.

"Cheers, prince! I am the ghost of life's pleasures and feasts. Ready for your next lesson?"

Vegeta said nothing, only scrutinized the huge ghost and tried to put his finger on where he'd seen the man before. He looked so familiar, like someone he'd met ages ago, and maybe glimpsed once or twice since.

"Whatsa matter, buddy? Cat got your tongue?"

Cat... white talking cat... sensu beans... "Gah! I know who you are! You're that fat fool Yajirobe!"

"That's me! How's it hangin', pal?"

"If you're asking how I am, I have to say I've had better nights. And don't you dare try to make friendly; I'll never forgive you for how you disgraced me."

"Disgraced?"

"You cut off my tail, you asshole! It never grew back!"

"Oh, that," he drawled, far too drunk to be properly afraid. "C'mon, Veg, I had to do it. You were pretty out-of-control back then, ready to kill us and blow up the earth and all. Can't we let bygones be bygones?"

"No, we cannot!" Vegeta snarled, preparing a ki ball to throw. "You cut off my flag, my badge of saiyan pride, and that I cannot forgive, ever."

"Geez, man, if the tail means that much to you how come you don't just go to Dende and have him bring it back?"

Vegeta's eyes shot open and he froze in place. "Dende... could he actually do that?"

"Sure, man. He's a healer isn't he?"

"No, it wouldn't work out. That kid hates my guts."

"Well, ya did kinda slaughter his whole village and then laugh about it. But he doesn't hold grudges now that he's become kami– he even rooted for you when you fought Buu. Take Goku with you for insurance and I'm sure he'd do it."

Vegeta mulled this over. "Well... that is a good idea. Okay, maybe I don't hate you _quite _as much as I did."

"Don't hate me at all, pal! That's all in the past, and I've got something great to show you. You see all these fantastic dishes?" he asked, gesturing with his arm.

"Of course. How could I miss them?"

"They are the fruits of the spirit: they represent all good things in life, all of life's pleasures and fulfillments. You could use a few of these, Vegeta. You've been starving yourself for too long."

"Pleasures, huh?" Vegeta scoffed. "I need very little in this life. Too many indulgences leave a person spoiled and weak."

"There's a big difference between being spoiled and enjoying life, prince," the ghost chided, shaking a fat finger at him. "A little happiness will do you good, and do wonders for that charming personality of yours."

"I ought to thrash you."

"And you outta know by now that you can't do anything to us ghosts. Now come on, Veggie!" The ghost hopped to his feet with a thud that made the entire room shudder. He grabbed Vegeta by the back of his shirt and hoisted him into the air so they were eye to eye. The wine fumes on his breath almost made Vegeta swoon.

"I promise you, you'll enjoy this lesson."

"I'm NOT hungry. I never want for food at Capsule Corp."

"Food? No, you misunderstand. That feast there is _my _idea of life's pleasures. Yours are, well... you'll see in a moment. I'm going to show you another scene that happened last week."

He lifted the roof of the building up as though it were hinged, and jumped out into the sky.

Vegeta felt that strange sensation of being pulled and stretched like silly putty, and when he could see again he noticed they had emerged in the middle of a shadowy wood at sunset. Yajirobe shrank down to a more human size to avoid the trees.

"Great, the middle of nowhere," Vegeta complained, after observing the woods for a time. "What am I supposed to be looking at, here?"

"You're supposed to be looking at _that_." He pointed to a spot on the bank directly behind the prince.

Vegeta nearly fell over in shock. How long had Kakarot been standing there, not even five feet away?

"Don't worry, he still can't see you. Hmmm, I wonder what he could be doing here on the bank of a river?"

Goku took a moment to stare pensively out over the water, then reached down and untucked the shirts at his waist.

Vegeta turned crimson instantly. "No. Oh-no, don't tell me... No I can't _deal _with this, tell me he's just getting ready to sit there and fish!"

"Sit back and enjoy the show, my man."

The wild saiyan plucked at his orange V-neck to separate it from the navy undershirt, and pulled it off with one hand.

Yajirobe nudged his flustered student. "This is called 'building anticipation,' isn't it, Veggie?"

"Shut up!" A bead of sweat rolled down his temple.

Goku crossed his arms, grasped the bottom of his navy shirt with both hands, and pulled it off over his head in one smooth motion. The muscles of a rock hard chest rippled like water.

No, Kakarot! Stop it, stop it, stop it! Don't do this to me, don't make me admit...

Off went the shoes, powerful arms flexing and unflexing as he untied the laces. The sash at his waist fluttered to the ground next, and then his gaze fell on the drawstring of his pants.

"Please stop right there, Kakarot," Vegeta whispered, twitching. His mouth had gone completely dry. "I– I–"

With a pu-u-u-u-ll of one end of the string the waistband loosened, and a few shakes of his hips sent the pants falling southward to the ground.

No underwear that day.

"Ahhhh... AHHHH... Oh god!" Vegeta desperately wanted to run but found himself rooted to the spot by supernatural forces, unable to even look away. All he could do was shake uncontrollably and blush.

"Nice piece of ass, isn't he? I mean, I'm straight, and even _I_ can see it."

"Shut up! You aren't allowed to talk about him that way!"

"What would you call him then?"

Vegeta couldn't tear his eyes away. "He... he's a... a fool..."

"Hey, bud, every prince should have a court jester."

Goku stepped out of the pants and padded to the stream, wading casually into the calm waters until he was in up to his thighs.

The dying rays of the sun outlined his form in golden light, venturing downward to highlight muscular perfection. He splashed water over himself, hypnotizing Vegeta with the way glinting droplets rolled with artistic abandon down the landscape of his body.

Down slid a droplet along the cleavage in his chest, over the hills and valleys of the abdominals, trailing all the way into the forbidden zone.

Vegeta would have given anything to be that droplet.

Goku gathered up a bundle of water grasses and began to rub them over his body. The plant called soapweed had cleansing properties and was widely used for bathing when roughing it. So that's the green, woodsy scent I smell on him all the time, Vegeta realized.

The tendrils of the plant mass trailed and twisted over his skin in a surprisingly sensual manner, making Vegeta's internal struggle worse yet.

Goku ducked under the water completely then, and for a moment Vegeta was relieved to have some respite from the overwhelmingly erotic sight.

"Heh. Going on a camping trip?" the ghost teased.

"Wh-What?"

"Because that's quite a tent you're pitching, there."

Vegeta squeaked and hunkered over, trying in vain to conceal his hard-on with his hands. "This is– this is just– I was thinking of someone else entirely!"

"Uh-huh."

Before he had any opportunity to calm down, Goku burst above the water, straightening his body in a graceful arc that sent his wet hair flying back. Vegeta's world shifted into slow motion. To shake out the water Goku whipped his head in a figure eight, side to side, as though he'd been starring in shampoo commercials his entire life.

A droplet of water from his hair landed on Vegeta's bottom lip, and the saiyan prince switched to autopilot. Making tiny choking noises, he floated slowly forward in a beeline for the lusty bather. Goku turned away, and eager fingers extended and reached for him.

That gorgeous golden ass called to him, so plump and firm– more succulent and delectable than any of the sweetmeats in the banquet hall; and that amazing cock, still a sight to see even in the cold water...

Forget the banquet. I'll have sausage for dinner, please, thought the crazed prince.

Greedy hands drew closer, closer, and made a grab for him– and then Vegeta only passed through him like the spirit he was.

He blinked, his lust-addled brain trying to figure out why there was no Kakarot in his arms.

"Oh-ho-ho, man. You are so far gone, it's hilarious," Yajirobe guffawed, slapping his knee. "Just admit it, Vegeta."

"ALRIGHT!" he screamed, tearing at his hair. "I want him. God help me, I want him. I want him _sooo_ hard. I want to knead and press my fingers into every inch of him, want to worship him with my tongue, want to plunge my cock into him so hard and fast he'll be screaming my name until he loses his voice and passes out–"

"Whoa, whoa! That's enough, man, I don't need the details! Save the dirty talk for the bedroom. So now that you finally admit your desire, what are you going to do about it?"

"Do? I... I... But what the hell would he want with me, anyway? I'd just bring him down. He's a pure soul; he deserves better than what I could offer him."

"Quit tearing yourself down and give yourself a little bit of credit. Haven't you been listening to us ghosts? He wants you. You're meant for each other. We wouldn't waste our time telling you lies. Bite the bullet and go after him!"

Vegeta took a huge breath. "O...Okay. Okay, I will. I'll ask him–"

"Great!"

"But not today. I'm not ready yet. I need a little more time. Maybe when my kids are grown, or maybe when I've caught up to him in power."

"Vegeta, if you keep making excuses like that you'll never do it. You have to ask him today, it's the right time!"

"Look, I already told you I want him. Now lay off. I have to do this at my own pace."

Yajirobe shook his head. He grew back to giant size and hoisted Vegeta up by the back of the shirt again. "You still need work. Luckily the ghost of the future is next. He'll show you what your future will be if you don't ask Goku now."

Vegeta opened his mouth to deliver a scathing comment but stopped short as he heard a moan from below.

"Vegetaaa..."

He nearly fainted when he realized Goku had taken hold of himself and begun to stroke.

"Agh! My name! He said my name, and he's– let go, I have to get down there!" He flailed and kicked and strained to see.

"No-can-do, buddy. It's almost three. Take care, man, you'll make it through alright!"

The ghost hurled him into the sky with such speed that the world around him blurred, and darkness overtook him once more.

---

A/N Yajirobe had the proper look for the 2nd ghost– the chubby giant who loves his food– so I decided to use him. X)


	5. A Terrifying Prediction

Vegeta's Christmas Carol

by Orchideater

Rated: R

Warnings: Humor yaoi, Gk/V, Christmas cheer, grinchiness, OOCness, nudity, innuendo, a bit of Vegeta torture (the fun kind, not the bdsm kind), and bizarre underwear.

Disclaimer: DBZ and all DBZ characters property of Akira Toriyama and official licensees

Chapter 5 warnings: It's the invasion of the supporting characters! A terrible scare for poor Veggie.

---

Chapter 5: A Terrifying Prediction

Vegeta awakened to the whistle of a chill winter wind gusting overhead. Dry grass crunched in his hand as he slowly focused and pushed himself to his elbows, and he glanced around, taking in the sight of a lonely, dark meadow on the edge of a wood. A carpet of clouds passed over the night sky, with not even the point of a single star to cheer those below. Vegeta shivered at the feeling of emptiness that seeped through him.

Cold. When had he ever been this cold?

The rustle of heavy cloth at his side did not startle him. By now he had accepted that he could not escape this dream till it had run its course, and either the fever in his brain had passed or whatever mysterious force sending the ghosts was satisfied at its outcome.

He expected the third spirit, but was irked at the need for it– still the difficult pupil. He had said he would tell Kakarot of his feelings. Why was it so important that he tell him right away? These damn ghosts were asking too much.

He pulled himself into a sitting position, and looked up at his silent companion. An enormous figure towered over him, robed in a ponderous black hooded cloak, similar to the garb of priests. Shadows hid his face, and only the eyes could be seen, reflecting the faint light of the glowing tip of a cigar. They glittered with malicious glee.

Vegeta waited for an acknowledgment, for it to say or do _something_, but the dark brute only loomed there in silence, smoking. Vegeta had to start the conversation.

"So, you're the third ghost."

The specter responded only with motionless silence.

"You're here to tell me about my future?" Vegeta asked, shifting nervously. "The last ghost said you would be the ghost of the future."

The ghost nodded slowly.

"So... So, I suppose you're also going to try to convince me that I have to tell Kakarot I want him now, or else terrible things will happen. Is that it?"

Another slow, deliberate nod.

"Tch! Good luck. Your intimidation tactics won't work on me. I don't exactly appreciate being told what to do by anyone, much less a phantom in a dream."

The eyes narrowed, curving from the unseen motion of a mocking smile. Vegeta sweatdropped.

"But just for the record, what terrible future were you going to predict for me?"

The ghost extended a meaty arm, pointing in the direction behind Vegeta. He turned and saw a sprawling cemetery on the edge of a city, overgrown with grasses. Some of the tombstones had fallen over or begun to crumble from disrepair.

He let out a bark of amusement. "A graveyard? Is that the best you've got? Don't make me laugh. A saiyan warrior doesn't fear death. I've already died twice, and I know the realms of heaven and hell. I don't find this a terrible fate."

The shadowy man shook his head, indicating that Vegeta had misunderstood. He raised his arm and pointed again in the same direction, but on closer inspection Vegeta could see he wasn't really pointing at the cemetery, but rather at the building across the street: the Shady Willows Nursing Home.

"Wha– What the hell does _that _mean?" Vegeta demanded, his jaw dropping.

The ghost finally made a sound, a low, guttural laugh dripping with ill-intent. Faster than Vegeta expected, given his stillness before, the ghost swept his arm over Vegeta and enveloped him in the long folds of the robe.

The next moment they appeared in the second floor rec room of the building. Vegeta glanced around in alarm. Before he could ask any more questions, his attention was captured by a trio of three girls marching purposefully down the hallway.

The littlest, around 11 years old or so, had pale lavender hair that formed a small widow's peak above her forehead. The older girls pushed her along like prison wardens taking an inmate to death row. The youngest looked terribly anxious and desperate to escape.

"Keeni," she whimpered, "_Why _do I have to do this? I'm no good with old people. They make me depressed, and gran'papa scares me. He's so creepy!"

"That's just too damn bad," one of the older girls grumbled. "You're old enough now that you can help us take care of him– you gotta do your part for the family. Don't be a load, you whiner."

"I'm not, I just–"

"Look, Nearlia, nobody likes this job. You just have to grin and bear it. Costs are less if family helps out with some of the nursing care, plus we'll look like insensitive jerks if we _never _come to visit him, and it will make Capsule Conglomerate look bad."

The ghost floated after them and Vegeta followed close behind. "Capsule Conglomerate? She must mean Capsule Corp. Who are these girls? Do they work for Bulma? They look vaguely familiar."

Vegeta didn't expect the ghost to actually answer him.

"They're your descendants, Vegeta-sama," he drawled in a deep, raspy voice. "Far, far up the family tree. We're visiting a time 900 years in the future from the time you know."

"_Nine hundred years_! You can't be serious! That would explain their strange clothes and the odd architecture of this place, though. Gods... You'd think that in 900 years humans would find a better way to take care of their old people."

"Like to see who they're visiting?" the ghost sneered, sounding terribly pleased with himself.

An oppressive wave of unease swarmed over Vegeta. "Uh, maybe some other time." He tried to back up but found himself moving forward against his will, as though pulled on invisible tracks.

"Whatever happened to all that rash and foolish bravery? Don't you want to see the grand fate of the great saiyajin no ouji? Vegeta," the ghost grabbed him and thrust him in front of the door the girls had just entered, "Welcome to your life!"

Vegeta trembled with horror at the pathetic sight that met his eyes, the kind of horror that makes lips curl and stomachs churn. "Oh my _god_..."

The Vegeta of the future sat upon a hospital bed before him, toothless, hunched over, flesh-melting-off-the-bones old. His mind had deteriorated almost completely as his body, grown utterly weak and helpless, a useless mass of living tissue. The high forehead had lengthened until only a few wisps of vertical grey hair dotted his head, and his body had long ago shriveled and wrinkled like a twist of old leather.

The oldest girl marched up to him and gave him the sort of too-cheery, condescending greeting a nurse gives a comatose patient, then turned back to her youngest sister. "Well, here he is. Taking care of him isn't complicated, it's just no fun. Start by keeping the drool off him," she said, wiping up a dribble with a rag.

"Follow the charts we made up. You give him his food and his meds at the appropriate time, chat with him about anything– who knows? he might hear some of it– keep him clean and try to get him out of bed to walk a few steps."

The younger girl nodded, staring fearfully at the fallen prince.

"Kkkk... kkk'rott..."

She blinked in surprise. "Oh, he said something! I think he wants the strained carrots," the girl said, pleased that she seemed to be catching on.

"No, stupid, he's just moaning about Kakarot again. Kakarot, Kakarot, Kakarot– that's the only thing left in his mind."

"Who's Kakarot?"

"Duh! Some guy he knew when he was young, who disappeared. Gran'papa was in love with him, and I think he still wants him."

"Ew!"

"Don't be rude. It's not like he always looked like this. Once gran'pa used to be really handsome, I hear."

"Wow, that's hard to believe."

The figure on the bed lifted a quivering hand. "Kkk'rott... he wash sho beautiful... lost him... he could have been _mine_! Beautiful... I losht him..."

"Yes, we know, gran'papa."

"Beautiful shuper shaiyan..."

"Super saiyan? Really?" the youngest said in wonder. "I wish I could have seen that transformation."

"Well, you'll just have to dream. That form's been lost to us a long, long time. Gran'pa's chatty today. Must be because you're here."

All three girls stopped short then and looked at each other. Keeni wrinkled up her nose in disgust. "Ugh. Time to change gran'pa's diaper."

"NOOOOOOOOOO!!!" Vegeta screamed, fists clenching in his hair. "No! This can't be. This can't happen! I'm the saiyan prince, a super-saiyajin two! How could I be brought this low; how could I become such a shuddering blob of organic matter? It's monstrous!"

"I call it sweet, sweet justice. Oh, you have no idea how satisfying it is seeing you that way, prince-sama."

Vegeta stopped his hysterical rant and glared suspiciously. "Who is that in there? I demand you remove that hood!" Taking the matter into his own hands, Vegeta sent a kiai at him that blew the covering back. A bald head gleamed back at him, as did the pearly whites of a nasty grin.

"Nappa?!"

"_No longer_ at your service, prince," he said, chomping on his grubby cigar.

"What's the big idea, you dead oaf? I suppose you think this is funny!" He pointed to the geezer on the bed.

"Oh, extremelyso. What victim wouldn't love to see their murderer humiliated in the worst way possible?"

Vegeta sputtered angrily. "Your back was broken in that fight, idiot. I was doing you a favor when I killed you."

The ghost lost his cool for a second and they snarled at each other face to face. "You enjoyed it too much. The healing system in the pod ship might have saved me!"

"There's no guarantee it would have! And yes, I admit I was... pretty out of control back then."

"That's an understatement. You know what, Vegeta? Don't ask Kakarot, and stay with your human woman. Live out your life as a horrible wretch!"

"Th-This is the result of not asking Kakarot to be with me? But I've already made up my mind to tell him!"

Nappa blew a cloud of stifling smoke in his face, which Vegeta waved away angrily.

"You procrastinated until it was too late, always giving some excuse or another to wait. Because of that, events came to pass where one day the dragonballs became diseased, and Goku left with the eternal dragon to tend to them, and disappeared forever."

"Disappeared? Forever? No!"

"Yup. After that you just fell apart, mind and body slipping bit by bit through the years until _this _was left, a shadow of a man, passed down among relatives through the generations. All because you couldn't get up the nerve to ask him."

The huge soldier tsk-tsked. "I always knew you were a bastard, Vegeta, and now it seems you've become a coward as well."

"NO! I'll do it. I swear I'll do it right now! I can't allow any of this to happen, it's too horrible. I'm missing out on a wonderful life with him. Send me back, now!"

The ghost laughed heartily, his robes billowing in a sudden wind. "It's about time you got your act together. See you around, Vegeta." He swirled the great sleeve of his robe over Vegeta again, sending him falling into blackness.

Vegeta awoke with a gasp, tangled in the covers. "Yes, it's over! I understand now. I'm going to change my life– change all our lives! I want to live and laugh and LOVE!!!"

Crickets chirped. The house was dark and silent, its residents still fast asleep.

Vegeta dropped back into his pillows and sulked. "Crap. Here I was, all ready to go, and now I have to wait till morning. Dumb ghosts! In that Christmas story, the guy had his revelation and got to go right out and fix things. They can't even get their own story straight."

He sat there for a few minutes, planning how he'd proceed with his mission after everyone awoke. Then, after taking stock of his senses more thoroughly, he came to the realization that he was still dreaming. What in the world? In the book there were the three ghosts and a spirit, and he woke up. What else did this dream have to teach him?

Vegeta nearly jumped sky high when he noticed a figure sitting in the chair against the wall, watching him silently. In the dim light he could make out a red suit and hat, and a white beard.

Santa?

---

A/N: I like to think the full-blood saiyans can live a thousand years, if they manage to avoid getting killed in battle.

Nearlia– "Nearly A"

Keeni– "Bikini"


	6. O Christmas Tree, O Christmas Tree

Vegeta's Christmas Carol

by Orchideater

Rated: R

Warnings: Humor yaoi, Gk/V, Christmas cheer, grinchiness, OOCness, nudity, innuendo, a bit of Vegeta torture (the fun kind, not the bdsm kind), and bizarre underwear.

Disclaimer: DBZ and all DBZ characters property of Akira Toriyama and official licensees

Chapter 6 warnings: Insanity and obscene underwear.

---

Chapter 6: O Christmas Tree, O Christmas Tree

Vegeta squinted and strained to see in the oppressive gloom. "Who is that? What do you think you're doing in my room?" he asked the mysterious visitor, growing more nervous by the second.

The figure responded with a rich, merry laugh, and spoke with a thick foreign accent. "I just came to wish you a Merry Christmas, Vegeta-san."

The fireplace suddenly flared to life (since when did his room have a fireplace?) and cast an amber light flickering over the room. Vegeta could see the man more clearly now.

He lounged casually in the chair, legs crossed and arms resting on the sides, a glass of champagne in his hand. What had first appeared to be a suit was actually more like a thigh-length red bathrobe with white fur trim. Santa wore no undershirt and had decided to go pantsless that night.

Vegeta raised an eyebrow at the risqué attire. "So, who are you? Answer me."

"Can't you tell? My costume is not that impressive."

"Uh..." The cap was casting shadows over his face. "Give me a hint?"

"Another time, _mon ami_. I have no patience for the games tonight." He swiped off the beard and hat, offering him a dazzling debonair grin.

"Kakarot!"

"The one and only." Goku wore his ssj form, a sly, self-satisfied look on his face.

"I thought you went home."

"I could not go! Even the weather itself has decreed that I am to stay the night. How could I resist what fate has clearly written upon the scroll of destiny?"

"Uh... yeah. Are you all right? I think you've had way too much booze."

"My friend, I have never felt more vigorous and full of health. I could spar all the night long."

Vegeta quirked a cautious smile. Apparantly the guests had gotten snowed in, and Kakarot was still drunk. Maybe this wasn't a dream after all. "Kakarot, listen. I have a lot to tell you, but it will have to wait until after I speak to the woman. It's very important, so don't leave the house, understand?"

Goku took a delicate sip of his champagne. "Good prince, I live only to serve you."

"Oh! Well." Vegeta's insides flushed with heat at the comment. "Th-That's good to hear."

"This night will be an eve to remember. You will think of it all your days, _chéri_."

Vegeta squirmed and sweated, growing suspicious again. Kakarot already seemed to think they had a romantic relationship. "Why are you talking like that?"

Kakarot ignored the question and held his glass up for observation, pretending to be extremely interested in the rising bubbles. "Would you care for some _Blanc de Noirs_, my love? Its effervescent warmth will relax your tense muscles and take away your cares, so our time together shall be nothing but pleasure." He sipped the drink again.

"Y-You're acting... rather aggressive. I haven't even told you how I feel yet."

"How much would you like, _belle amour_? A half glass or a full glass?"

"I don't want any! Now, look, Kakarot, I want you–"

"Yes, I know you do."

"But it has to wait until Christmas night, okay? Not now," he finished, annoyed at Kakarot's sudden inexplicable arrogance.

"Oh, my little one, you need not fear! I will be as gentle as the summer's breeze with you."

"Wh-What?! Hold on a minute, who said anything about _you _being gentle with _me_?"

"Santa brings special rewards for good boys like you, Vegeta. Are you ready to have your Christmas stocking filled?"

"Ahhhh! No it's not, and enough with the stocking joke, it's been done dozens of times before and it's not funny anymore!"

"I beg to differ, my sweet, savory chunk of divinity. Stocking innuendo is always a classic. Besides, I thought you enjoyed a good yule log."

He threw the glass into the fire with a crash, briefly causing it to belch flames. "Vegeta-sama! I can wait no longer. The passion inside me overtakes all reason and restraint!"

He leapt to his feet and stalked the man on the bed like a lion hunting his prey. Meanwhile, Vegeta had to call on every inner resource in his power just to keep his head. "N-Now, Kakarot, stay right there. A kiss would be alright, but not– waah!!"

Kakarot phased out and then appeared on top of him on all fours. A rejuvinated tail lashed behind him, and the rustling under the bedsheets told Vegeta his tail was back as well.

"My sweet prince! Our love is written in the stars. The very gods themselves will tell stories of its legendary greatness. Feel the fire in my breast– it burns for you, only you! Allow me to stoke its flames with the perfection of your body."

"No! Kakarot, you– I-I can't be on bottom. I'll freak out! I've had bad experiences while I served under Frieza. It's ruined the position for me. I have too many painful memories," he said firmly, fully expecting Goku to accept this and apologize.

"Ohh, my poor bruised little flower. Your pain is my own, _chéri_! Let me purge these terrible memories from your mind. They will be washed away amidst the crashing waves of pleasure, amidst the great thundering majesty of our passion."

"Gah! Kakarot, I can't do uke! It's just one of my 'things'."

"Did it never occur to you that I might desire the top position also?"

"Well... no!" he sputtered, and Kakarot frowned. "You're so easy-going, so accommodating and eager to make people happy. I thought you'd be my uke if I asked."

"I am all these things, indeed. But you're also forgetting how _competitive _I am. I might allow you to lead the way at first, but did you really think I'd just lay there permanently and never want to try it out for myself, to give you the same sort of pleasure you gave me? Playing the 'psychological damage' card to hog top position is not fair, Vegeta. Fears must be conquered. Now, relax, my pet. I will make you feel such ecstasy that all thought of positions will flee from your mind."

"Yaaaahhhhh!!!" Vegeta tore off the bed in a blast of energy and streaked out the door.

Kakarot shrugged, unfazed. "My little love, he is so shy. He wants to play hard-to-get."

He floated off after Vegeta on his back, hands behind his head, kicking his feet lazily as though doing the backstroke. "Prepare yourself, _mon amour,_ I am coming to get you," he sang.

Vegeta raced through the halls at top speed and then scrambled into the bathroom to hide. Damn! he thought, his heart pounding out of his chest. All his fantasies had always featured Kakarot on bottom. He'd never considered that Kakarot's fantasies might be just the opposite. What had he gotten himself into?

"Ah, you want to make love in the shower," said a voice beside him, a pair of muscular arms trapping him as he turned. "Excellent choice. My prince has such playful and practical tastes."

Seconds later the door had a smoking, Vegeta-shaped hole in it.

"He is such a tease. I am not deterred so easily, _mon petit chéri_," he called after the vanished prince. "I will forge onward like the unstoppable soldier of love!"

"Why is Kakarot acting like a sex maniac?!" Vegeta gasped. He tore down the hall but stopped and backtracked to look at himself in the full-length hall mirror. Why did he have a white stripe going down his back?

Ah, god! Trunks' cartoons! They had warped his mind, and now he was dreaming of Kakarot as that smug horny skunk. Oh, no, that meant he wouldn't stop at anything...

Vegeta turned around to flee but slammed right into a super-saiyan chest. Kakarot grabbed him and dipped him.

"My delicate little junebug. Come with me to the Casbah! Our love will shine as a beacon of hope for all lovers of the world," he crooned, stroking Vegeta's hair. "Our destiny calls. Do not keep it waiting! Ah, my beautiful one, ahhh, ah-hhhh–"

"AHHH!" Vegeta knocked him over and fled downstairs to the living room. He came to a screeching halt, panting heavily, and chastised himself for running. He was being ridiculous.

Then it didn't seem so ridiculous when Kakarot showed up a second later. He stopped about eight feet away, though, and clasped his hands in delight. "Ah, you want to love in front of the Christmas tree! So charming, so romantic, _ma belle_."

Vegeta shook a disciplinary finger at him. "Kakarot, I demand that you cease and desist right now. You are being inconsiderate, boorish, and disrespectful, and– are you listening to me?"

Kakarot was too busy untying his belt. "You are so cruel, my buttercup. Have pity upon your wretched subject! You must at least allow me to give you your Christmas gift."

He threw off the robe with the enthusiasm of a Vegas stripper, and Vegeta twitched spastically. Not the underwear!

Brightly colored in bold Christmas hues, the bottom part had a print of two strategically placed ball ornaments that both read, of course, "Jingle Balls," and sewn to the base of each was a tiny bell; above sat a forest green schlongwarmer in the shape of an evergreen. "Would you like to help raise the Christmas tree, Vegeta? It's very tall and full."

"Urgh. I don't know whether to be aroused or ill."

"Ah, well," he said flippantly. "Assistance is welcome, but not necessary. I can put it up just by thinking of that perfect, tight, round little derrière of yours, your skin like crème caramel..."

His demeanor turned far more predatory, and he began backing Vegeta up against the real tree.

"Kakarot, now, I'm warning you. This may be just a dream, but I still–"

Kakarot phased out, phased back in right in front of him and held him in a vice grip embrace, while Vegeta pushed against him with all his might.

"Do not deny me, love. Kiss me and say you'll never go. Muuuu..." He tried to reach Vegeta with extended lips.

"KAKAROT!!"

He loosened the grip some. "I thought you wanted me, _mon ami_."

"I do, but I want to be the one in charge!"

"We must come to a compromise, then. Seme Kakarot will not go away."

"Okay. Okay, look. Let me be on top the first few times so I can get comfortable and then I'll... I'll let you... help me overcome my phobia. J-Just take it easy, okay? Then we can share and go back and forth. Deal?"

Kakarot stepped back and shook his hand. "It's a deal." Those arms curled around him again. "Now at least let me have a kiss, beloved. I have worked so hard for you!"

Vegeta chuckled, feeling much more relaxed now. "Heh. That, I can welcome." He leaned up and two hot mouths met in a fiery kiss. Eyes closed as sensation took over.

"Mmmmm..."

"Mmmmmm..."

"Mmmmmm..."

"Mrr-mmghh! Mmph!"

Vegeta felt hands pushing at his face. He let go of the lips with an audible 'pop' and opened his eyes.

Trunks was sitting on his chest scrubbing at his mouth with his arm, while Goten stood in the doorway rolling with laughter.

"Blegh! Dad, you _kissed _me!"

"Er, s-sorry about that, brat. I thought you were–"

He looked around at the early morning light streaming through the windows. The dream was over, finally over. It was morning at last!

---

A/N Any guy who thinks it's a good idea to give lingerie for Xmas should get a pair of those underwear. Nobody give me grief about that French! I just got bits and pieces from "Learn French" websites. ;)


	7. Conclusion and Epilogue

Vegeta's Christmas Carol

by Orchideater

Rated: R

Warnings: Humor yaoi, Gk/V, Christmas cheer, grinchiness, OOCness, nudity, innuendo, a bit of Vegeta torture (the fun kind, not the bdsm kind), and bizarre underwear.

Disclaimer: DBZ and all DBZ characters property of Akira Toriyama and official licensees

---

Chapter 7: Conclusion and Epilogue

"It's morning," Vegeta marveled, hardly able to believe his own eyes.

"Dad!" Trunks tugged on his stupefied father's arm to get his attention. "I want you to go find that Santa guy and beat him up."

"Whuh? Santa? What?"

"He's a liar. Mom told me that the mayor signed a deal with Santa for him to provide his services to our city, but there's no presents under my tree! He can't break a contract like that."

"Nuhhh..."

"Dad?"

"IT'S MORNING!" Vegeta exploded off the bed, bowling Trunks over and burying him in the flying covers. "Get up, boy, get up. There's lots to do! Where's Bulma? Why the hell aren't you nagging _her _about this present business?"

"She's asleep. Everybody's still asleep."

"Asleep! But it's–" he checked the clock– "7:00! Go wake them up this instant."

"Yeah, ha-hah!"

"No, wait." Vegeta wobbled around in a tizzy, his mind racing a mile a minute. "Where's my good suit, I need something better than this training rag to wear. Get it for me, will you? Right now, go!"

"But dad, you got mad and threw it in the hamper last night."

Vegeta wanted to kick himself. Damn, why did he have to do that? By now it would be wrinkled and musty with sweat smells.

"Shit. I don't have time for this! Trunks, do me a favor and pick me out something I'd look good in, something dressy and new."

With that he dashed in the bathroom to wash up and slammed the door, leaving behind a perplexed Goten and Trunks. Five minutes later he hurried out in a towel and saw the outfit the boys had set out for him.

Vegeta pinched the bridge of his nose in annoyance. Oh, for the love of...

"We did good, huh, dad?" Trunks said proudly. "This shirt's expensive _and_ brand new." Sure enough, they had fetched the pink shirt and red tie from Christmas Eve and laid it out with tan dress shoes and pants.

"Couldn't you find me something better than this?"

Trunks looked crushed. "You don't like it? B-But we thought it would look nice."

The boy had obviously inherited his mother's fashion sense. "Fine, whatever! I'll take anything at this point. Now go wake up those drunken slugs downstairs."

"Okay."

They ran off, and as Vegeta dressed he could hear the racket in the living room directly below. He made out a succession of whining, demanding pleas to get up, followed by the many anguished groans from the hungover adults, and the scramble of frantic footsteps as someone ran off to the bathroom to puke.

The guests had all fallen asleep in random piles around the room, and due to the heavy snowfall (and the high blood-alcohol levels) no one even thought of going home.

"M-o-o-o-m, Mom! Get up! I want you to sue Santa!"

The boys' voices pierced through Bulma's head. "Not so loud, honey," she said, waving a hand weakly at him to stop. "Mommy's head is killing her. How 'bout you go make your mom some coffee, huh? That's a good boy."

"But mom, there's no presents! Santa gypped us."

"What!" Bulma woke up very quickly. "Oh no! I for–" She glanced askance at the kids. "Uh... Um... Oh, I know what happened. Ah, Santa runs quite a large corporation, and he must have gotten the wrong memo. You see, ah, some kids traditionally find their presents inside a closet instead of under the tree. It's like a treasure hunt. Why don't you go look through all the closets and see which one has your gifts from Santa?"

"Oh, wow, cool, a treasure hunt!" Both raced off, and the sound of swinging and slamming doors could be heard until two shrieks of triumph signaled that they'd found the gifts.

Bulma breathed a sigh of relief. That was close. Even hungover I'm a genius, she gloated.

Before she could sprain an arm patting herself on the back, a hurricane force tailwind nearly blew them over as Vegeta burst through the doorway. "WOMAN!"

Everyone's head rang like a church bell.

"Augh. Vegeta, what _is _it?"

He zipped over to her and struck a kneeling position at her feet, and took her hand. "Bulma. Last night I had an amazing revelation– a vision! I was shown the way by a pimp, a bitch, a fatso, and a dead guy."

Bulma looked down at him sympathetically, as concerned as she could be when his loud voice was pounding on her head. "Ohh, no. Vegeta's got the DTs."

"I'm not drunk! This is important, woman."

He shifted his position, and took a deep breath as he began. "Woman... I'm sorry. As of today, I want you to know that it's over between us. Thank you for bearing my children, and taking me in, but it's time we admitted it's over, if we had anything to start with. I'm in love with someone else, and so are you. I know about you and that lab boy."

Bulma's heart stopped. "You know about Earl? P-Please don't kill him! We only talked, Vegeta, I swear!"

"It doesn't matter. All I know is we'll both be happier with others."

She calmed a bit and tentatively raised a hand to stroke his face, her expression melancholy. "You're really serious aren't you?"

"Yes," he said softly. "Are you angry?"

"Not really. Just a little surprised. I knew our fire had burned out a long time ago, but... it still hurts to hear when a relationship is over for good, you know?"

"I'm sorry, woman."

"Thank you for being so straightforward, at least," she whispered, then pegged him with a questioning look. "Er, is this person you love the person I think it is?"

Vegeta's eyes flickered back to the drowsy man on the couch and he said nothing, but that simple action told her all she needed to know.

"Yeah. Well, it's no shock to me– you've only been totally obsessed with him since the day you set foot on this planet. Go do what you have to do, Vegeta, just remember Trunks and Bura every now and then."

He nodded and gave her one last tender embrace. The second she let go, though, he zipped over to kneel at Goku's feet instead, and took _his _hand.

"Crazy prince," she huffed. "I always knew he'd go to bat for the other team sooner or later."

Goku blinked and tried to clear his head, as did the rest of the befuddled audience. "Vegeta, did you really just break up with Bulma?"

Vegeta nodded his head yes. "Don't feel guilty, Kakarot, it's for the best." He grasped Goku's hand and stared up earnestly into his eyes.

"Kakarot, I want to be with you. I-I know we've had a tumultuous past, and I've hurt you greatly. You probably have every right to turn me away in disgust, but I know you've always forgiven my past. So please, give me a chance now. We'll be good together, I know we will."

Goku listened with rapt attention, but in the background Chichi was outraged.

"What do you think you're doing, you homewrecking little psychopath! That's my husband! Just because you failed with Bulma, don't go trying to ruin our relationship–"

"Oh, put a sock in it, woman! You know full well you wish you could be with that ranger fellow of yours, so just pipe down. Let Kakarot go and we can all be happier."

She clapped her hands over her mouth in horror. "_How _did you know about him!"

"You and Kakarot are two of the most poorly matched people I've ever seen. Admit your mistake and move on." He turned back to Goku, who was still studying him intently, a faint pink blush spreading over his face.

"I'm sorry it's so sudden. I had no choice. It's fate, Kakarotto, please... say you'll have me and I'll be happier than I've ever been in my life."

"Vegeta..." Goku reluctantly broke the gaze to look back at his wife and friend. "Chichi, Bulma, do you really love other people?" Embarrassed silence spoke volumes.

He turned to his son, who looked as if he'd just been hit with a fish. The eye contact startled him out of his shellshock. "Gohan?"

"Um... well... Well, I can't say I especially like the idea, but I want you guys to be happy... even if it's not with each other, I guess." Deep down Gohan knew his parents didn't have much of a relationship, and always suspected a break-up might happen someday, but why in HFIL did they have to do this in front of his new girlfriend!

Goku looked over at the two boys standing in the doorway, clutching fistfuls of new toys. Goten just shrugged and grinned, not really understanding what was going on, but Trunks frowned in worry.

"Dad, you're dumping Mom?"

Vegeta scowled. "It's not a 'dumping,' it's a mutual break-up."

"Are you going to leave?"

"Don't be ridiculous. I'll still be here all the time." He grinned evilly at Bulma. "Why, your mother even offered me a small capsule house to set up on the grounds, in exchange for the best super-saiyan security services in the world, ne?"

Bulma gawked. "Oh, I said that, did I? Uf! Whatever. I guess it wouldn't matter, and it'll make Trunks happy."

"We're not going anywhere, brat. The relationship is just changing. In fact, you'll like it even better: If I get together with Kakarot, he'll instant transmission your little friend over here every day, and you and Goten will be brothers."

Their faces lit up. "Brothers? Oh, wow!" They shook little fists in joy and did a happy dance.

Then Trunks' eyes suddenly grew even more huge and sparkly. "That means Gohan will be my big brother, too! Oh, I've always wanted a big brother!" He ran and leapt onto Gohan's chest, hugging vigorously, and Goten mimicked and glomped his brother's leg.

"Niisan! You're my new niisan, Gohan, isn't that awesome?"

"Uh, s-sure!"

Goku's expression softened as he watched them.

"You see? Everything will work out. Kakarot... say yes, please. Say you'll come with me, say you'll be mine." _I don't want to end up a drooling, lonely vegetable 900 years from now! _

Locked eyes searched each other's soul. The two shared an intense moment– till Goku broke into a huge grin and shrugged one shoulder. "Okay!"

Vegeta fell over. As if it had been so easy! He recovered quickly and leapt back up, and jumped on Goku the same as Trunks had done with Gohan. He kissed him long and hard, not caring how he looked or what the others thought. The two shared a warm, almost bashful gaze when they pulled back.

"I– I never dreamed that this would ever happen, Geta."

"Me neither." Vegeta smiled, and a sudden wild excitement swelled in his heart. He hopped down from his perch on Goku, grabbed his hand, and began dragging him toward the door with manic energy.

"Come on, we're going to see Dende."

"D-Dende? What for?"

"So he can give us some Christmas tail."

He threw open the front door and snow two feet deep spilled inside. Vegeta ignored it and charged out into the drifts, plowing a great furrow in the thick white cover.

"You know what? I think I like this holiday," he yelled back at Goku, bursting into song. "Hark the Herald angels sing, glory to the newborn King!"

The group watched them ascend and disappear into the blue sky.

"So," Krillan spoke up, holding Marron on one hip and baby Bura on the other. "Joy to the world, I guess. Who wants egg nog?"

---

Epilogue

Christmas, 900 years in the future:

Time defeats even those too tough to die. Vegeta eventually grew very old like anybody else. His teeth and hair fell out, and his body grew weak. But this time, he didn't even mind all that much, because sitting at his side...

"Eeek! Gran'papa Goku, stop it!"

Was another toothless old codger just like him. The warrior's once sturdy frame had grown frail and his teeth and hair had fallen out as well. Only a few tufts remaining of the wayward spikes still jutted every which way. Years of binge eating had finally caught up with him, and he now sported quite the pot belly.

Dressed in simple black hooded monk's robes, they sat in the busy living room of one of Goten's descendants, causing trouble as they watched the holiday preparations. They now spent their days giving lessons to aspiring fighters and tormenting the rest of their offspring the best they could.

"Gran'pa Goku, you're just an old pervert!"

Vegeta's fancy young great-great-great (and so on) grandson Tong turned on his heel in a huff and stomped off after his goosing. Roshi's bad influence had kicked in at last.

The two snickered and elbowed each other, ignoring the admonishments of relatives.

"Well, he shakes that butt around in those tight pants– what does he expect?" Goku said.

"Eh-heh-heh. Kakarot, you old fart."

"Speaking of which– pull my finger."

"Argh, no way!"

Goku laughed until he ran out of breath. "You know, I think that grandson of yours is 'one of us,' Vegeta," Goku said, meaning he was gay.

"Pheh! The hell he is. We were _never _that prissy."

Goku snagged the arm of one of his great-granddaughters, who was passing by carrying a tray of sweets.

"Ooh, custards!" He grabbed one before she could protest.

"Now just _one_, gran'papa. You know those aren't good for you." He only stuck out a custard-covered tongue and pulled down his eyelid at her.

Vegeta gave a sly look at the little girl hiding behind her mother's skirts. She smiled at him, hid, then peeked out and smiled again.

"Hey. Hey, Gobie, watch this." He detached his dentures with his tongue and waggled them at her. She squealed in glee and ran off into the kitchen where a knot of other children were giggling madly.

"Gran'pa Vegeta, stop that! It's disgusting, and you're scaring the kids."

"'Scare,' nothing. They love it. Hey, woman, this is going to be my last year with you kids. I'd better get a spectacular funeral fit for a prince! I'll haunt you forever if I don't."

"Me too!" Goku concurred.

"Oh, gran'pa, you say the same thing every year. You'll be going strong for many years to come."

They snickered again as the woman strutted off, but after the laughter ran out, Vegeta grew unusually solemn.

"This time I mean it. You can feel it too, can't you? I won't last much longer than another year."

"Yes," Goku said quietly. "And I'll follow you."

"Heh. I can't wait to have your ass again." Goku jabbed him in the ribs for that. "I can barely remember your 'handsome' face, though. These past two hundred years you haven't exactly been easy on the eyes."

"Hmph! Likewise, Vegeta. You think the gods will remember our wish to have our young bodies restored to us after death? We made it such a long time ago."

"They'd better remember! King Kai wants us to fight in his tournaments anyway, he'd never forget."

"Mmm." They sat in silence for a while, watching the family prepare the holiday dinner. Two withered hands joined.

"It's been a wonderful life, hasn't it, Vegeta?"

He nodded.

"I'll miss them, but I look forward to seeing Gohan and Goten and the rest again on the other side."

Another pause. "Hey, Vegeta?"

"Hmm?"

"After all this time, aren't you ever going to tell me what you dreamed that night before you asked me to be yours?"

"Nope. And I won't tell you in the next realm or any realm after that. I've told you time and time again," he said, secretly fingering a bundle of threads that had once been some very ugly underwear.

"It was a Christmas miracle."

---

The End

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A/N: Well, there it is, my Christmas gift to you! In the spirit of giving, please leave a review in the box. ;) Won't even cost you anything, just a minute of your time. And for those of you reading this after the holidays, remember that the joy of giving should last all year long, heh!

Thank you, thank you so much, everyone who found the time to read and review during the busy pre-Christmas week, and I thank in advance those who will hopefully review after Xmas.

Special thanks to Gutterball, Ginia, and Debbiechan at Saiyan Secrets,

And to Chichi Slaughterhouse, Suisheu, Majin Bulgeta, Moonlight-6056, Lordofthepies, Lady Frightmare, Hikari Heijin, Azure Ocelot, and Minka at for reviewing!

Now, as a bonus, the entire cast is going to sing a carol for you. Come on, everybody, we're going to sing the politically correct Christmas song! Guys, form a line.

(All trudge into position, wearing big poofy coats and scarves)

Vegeta: (frowning as he looks at his sheet music) _Where _did you find this song, woman?

Orchideater: That's "Merry Christmas, if That's Okay," a song the readers won't hear anywhere else. It's an original Christmas song from my super ultra all-time favorite show, Mystery Science Theater 3000.

Goku (teary-eyed): You mean _we're_ not your favorite show?

OE: Ohh, I'm sorry, honey, but that dubious honor goes to MST3K. But I love you all very much! I've never written fanfiction for anybody else.

(Goku brightens up)

OE: Okay, music! (Music starts) And no lip syncing, Vegeta!

Vegeta: Damn, she's on to me.

Lyrics (Sung like a church hymn):

"Let us all now sing our praises to the Lord today  
Although you may not share our belief system  
Which is perfectly okay

Maybe you worship an abstract being that is kind of vague  
Or maybe you just worship a guy whose name is Craig

Perhaps your religion doesn't include a time called 'Lent'  
But whatever your religion is, we support you 100 percent.

So sit around the fire  
And have a chestnut roast  
Or raise a glass in toast

To Happy Day's Donnie Most!

But if you prefer to eat Indian food on Christmas Day  
I can only shrug my shoulders and say "Namaste"

Namaste!

Personally I prefer  
Turkey, gravy and salad  
But let's never forget

All cultures are valid!

So let's have peace on earth and cut out all the bull.  
Let's have a holiday season that's multi-cultural.

If there's one point we'd like to make  
With this festive holiday song

It's that Christmas comes  
Just once a year  
So for a few days  
For crying out loud

Can we all just get along!"

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Goku (sniffs): That was beautiful.

Vegeta: If by "beautiful," you meant "bizarre," then yes.

Goten (tugs on his father's pantleg): Can I say my line now, Dad?

Goku: Sure kid, you're just in time. (Hoists him on his shoulder.)

Goten: (rings a little bell) God bless us, everyone!

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A Very Merry Christmas to you all


End file.
